Online
by Alias-JoyLemmon
Summary: A short Mike-bashing ficlet - song by Brad Paisely. Set after Breaking Dawn


**Online**

_A Mike Newton fic – what I think happens after Breaking Dawn. And come on, even though he is slightly adorable (in the movie at least – puppy dog eyes) who doesn't like a little Mike Bashing?_

_**I work down at the pizza pit**_

_**And I drive an old Hyundai**_

_**I still live with my mom and dad**_

_**I'm 5'3 and over weight**_

It's been years since Bella got Married to Edward. Years since I broke up with Jess – my last real girlfriend.

I mean, I've never been a stud, that's for sure. But, I'm like 23 – surely even _I_ can get a date.

Maybe not. Looking at myself in mirror, I realize that I'm not everybody's pinup boy.

I mean, seriously, I'm 5'3 – a shrimp. Even that 16 year old Indian was like 6'7 or som other ridiculous height.

And I've let myself go a little – okay, maybe more than a little, but I like food! And working at the Pizza Joint isn't helping things.

At all.

And that I live with parents – I swear, my mom thinks I'm 'wasting' away – I'm overweight for crying out loud!

_**I'm a Sci-fi fanatic**_

_**Mild asthmatic**_

_**Never been to second base**_

_**But there's a whole nother me**_

_**That you need to see**_

_**Go check out My Space**_

My asthma has been playing up lately – Spring is on the way again.

But it's alright – There's a _Star Wars: Saga_ Marathon on tonite. I'm looking forward to it.

Who cares if a _fictional character_ can get to second base before me? I'm awesomely cool – on MySpace.

I might have borrowed Edward's School Picture, but I look damn good.

'_**Cause online I'm out in Hollywood**_

_**I'm 6'5 and I look damn good**_

_**I drive a Maserati**_

_**I'm a black belt in karate**_

_**And I love a good glass of wine**_

And the awesomeness continues – I'm also 6'5, damn good looking (as you can tell from my picture) I drive a Maserati – a black one, and I'm also a Black Belt in Karate – what girl in her right mind wouldn't dig that?

I'm also a wine connoisseur – who doesn't like a good glass of wine?

Oh, and I'm currently in Hollywood, considering a acting career.

Yep, online, I'm a stud.

Studly.

Studly Mike Newton.

_**It turns girls on that I'm mysterious**_

_**I tell 'em I don't want nothing serious**_

'_**cause even on a slow day I can have a three way**_

Yep, the girls dig my 'mysterious' attitude towards them – I don't tell them my whole name, where I came from. Things like that. Things like, when my last date was.

I never want anything serious – who knows _what_ I might give out and give myself away.

But, life online is good – even on a slow day I can have a three-way.

_**chat with two women at a time**_

Three-way chat that is – two women at one time without either one knowing.

_**I'm so much cooler online**_

_**So much cooler on line**_

Yep, I'm so much cooler online.

Awesomely, insanely cool.

Gotta love the net.

_**I get home, I kiss my mom**_

_**And she fixes me a snack**_

_**I head down to my basement bedroom**_

_**And fire up my Mac**_

After work, I go home – where else am I gonna go in Forks?

I kiss my mom where she's making me a snack. I then proceed down the stair to the basement bedroom – no, it's not _that_ clichéd.

And then, with the press of a button, I'm awesome.

_**In real life the only time I **_

_**Ever even been to L.A.**_

_**Was when I got the chance with the marching band**_

_**To play tuba in Rose Parade**_

In real life, I've only ever been to L.A. once – with the school marching band.

Yes, I play a Tuba, got a problem with that?

_**Online I live in Malibu**_

_**I posed for Calvin Kline, I've been GQ**_

_**I'm single and I'm rich**_

_**And I got a set of six pack abs that'll blow your mind**_

**Online:**

Yep, living in Malibu is lots of fun.

I get lots of modelling gigs – Calvin Kline for example. I also did a spread in GQ

Yeah, I'm single – I'm looking for my other half.

Money? Honey, I'm rich! Yeah, Calvin isn't a rip-off

_**It turns girls on that I'm mysterious**_

_**I tell 'em I don't want nothing serious**_

'_**cause even on a slow day I can have a three way**_

_**chat with two women at a time**_

**Online – still**

Why am I so mysterious? Well, it gives me a certain edge, don't' you think?

NO, nothing serious, just casual online chatting – possibly cyber.

No, I'm not talking with anyone else, just you baby.

Only you Baby

_**I'm so much cooler online**_

_**So much cooler on line**_

Man, am I awesome!

And cool.

And a stud.

Thank God for the internet!

_**When you got my kinda stats, it's hard to get a date**_

_**Let alone a real girlfriend**_

_**But I grow another foot**_

_**And I lose a bunch of weight every time I log in**_

Yeah, life online can be pretty tough – I mean, when you got my kinda stats – perfect ones, I might add - it's hard to get a date, or a girlfriend.

Or really, anyone to take you seriously.

But, during these times of crisis, I grow a couple inches, maybe a foot (okay, that only happened, once, but I wen tup, like two stars) loose a lot of weight, get more muscles.

Yeah, life at your fingertips, just log in, and you're perfect!

Just like me!

'_**Cause online I'm out in Hollywood**_

_**I'm 6'5 and I look damn good**_

_**Even on a slow day I can have a three way**_

_**Chat with two women at a time**_

Had another three-way chat today, this time, the ladies met each other.

Yep, it was pretty slow – typing the same sentences over and over again.

Admiring myself sure gets annoying at times.

_**I'm so much cooler online**_

_**Yeah, I'm cooler on line**_

_**I'm so much cooler online**_

_**Yeah I'm cooler online**_

But hey, I'm the coolest person online.

In Forks.

In Washington State.

Just ask around – I'm cool.

And I'm awesome.


End file.
